Why I’m lost in the ether.


Don’t they say somewhere that the more you learn the more you realize that you don’t know anything. I seem to be the person that saying was made for; and somehow it isn’t working out for me. For instance – I would like a job. It doesn’t seem so hard right? Just apply and then apply again, and then finally, after a shit ton of applications, interviews, ass kissery, BAM, you get a job. Enter the “learning more, knowing less.” I am on the cusp of getting an MFA, and in learning more, I realize that I don’t really know anything. Great confidence for starting a job hunt.

Example: Before I started my current degree in women’s fashion design I thought, “How nice. I’ll go to school, get a skill, and get a job.” No. That is not what is happening. Instead, I know a little bit about a lot of things, don’t feel really confident in any of them, have the drive to do a lot of things, but don’t have the connections to make them happen.

Now, this may seem like a spoiled kid’s rant about how the world isn’t handed to her on a silver platter (wouldn’t they say “#firstworldproblems”), but that isn’t actually the point. It’s about choice, really. I have too many things I like to do, and as I learn more, I want to do more, and the world keeps expanding and expanding and expanding until – WOW – I can’t move. And suddenly, here I am at 27 with no career (is a traditional career even necessary?), no real direction (let’s see, if I listed all the things I find interesting it might take forever), and crippling anxiety about the next step.

Somehow I’m not moving as fast as everyone else. If I was honest, I don’t want to spend my time surfing the internet, scouring for jobs, learning the new lingo, making sure I’m up on everything “cool.” I still have never visited Reddit, or fully grasped why everyone feels compelled to take pictures of their food on Instagram (have I ever even looked at Instagram?) I’d rather be reading large Chinese classic novels like The Water Margin (you might know it from the video game Suikoden) and The Dream of the Red Chamber, or going to old bookstores to see if they have any interesting old books, or reading manga, watching my boyfriend play video games, or maybe re-watching Miyazaki films. My pace of life doesn’t match reality.

So this is why I am starting a blog. Here is the space where I will explore my little side passions. Perhaps, like I have been recently, I’ll be in love with Japanese tattoos (more on that later), or maybe it will be a post on the best type of rope to use in bondage (yes, I’m no innocent), or about the last book I just read, but really, it is a virtual space for me to explore my interests. My weird fascinations. Maybe by getting it out here I will be able to actually focus on one BIG interest in my real life (or should I say rl). Maybe…


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